Up in the Air

January. There is something discomforting about the up-in-the-air-ness of January. I could say that this January is different due to decisions I made official in December, but that would be a lie. The fact of the matter is that January is a lot of pressure. We are expected to make promises to ourselves and the rest of the world about the year. Diet and exercise, creative projects, maps, lists. Dreams, pipe dreams, peer pressure and unrealistic expectations. All the swirling things that this arbitrary new beginning brings.

I’m not much for new year’s resolutions. I don’t even count January first as my new year. But it involves a brand new blank calendar. I sometimes wish the rest of my life was so clean. I still haven’t unpacked from Crafty Wonderland. The remnants of the last decade are sitting in my living room ready to be sorted, distributed and packed away for storage. Right now, my etsy shop contains only drawings and collaboration paintings. Weird. I have been knitting like a fiend.

And of course, drawing. This new calendar begins year three of drawing. Not quite every day, but certainly often. And making things. Right now knitted things. Later other things. I can’t say that I am used to feeling unsettled, but I have felt unsettled for so so long. I wonder if this feeling of vaguely dissatisfied is what drives my creative process along with the constant need to start and overthink about starting endless projects. The end and the beginning of a year, any year, brings with it the sensation that time is running out which makes me feel anxious. Will I ever be able to finish everything? What is the next big idea that will shine the light down the pathway so I am not just stumbling around in the dark? It is hard to trust that I will have a direction, but so far I always do. It is just that January is so loaded with expectations, that it is difficult to separate my own voices from all the well intentions and cruel expectations that January brings.

So for me? Business as usual. Which means making all the things. What things? I don’t know yet.