because my brain cannot be counted on to be a very good judge of my own situation, i tend to rely on barometers to tell me what sort of state of crisis i may or may not be in. lately it has been my body. severe sugar cravings are a sure sign of depression, and puking my guts out is severe duress. i am not sure where my wit’s end is. i may be at it, or have passed it up a long time ago. true a part of me is dying, but i have been wanting to kill her off for a long time. she is a bad ally. she contributes to my odd insecurities, self-destructive tendencies, self-doubt, and worst of all apathy. but i am so used to hiding behind her (and her keeping me hidden), i am not so sure what happens without her.
lately i have been on the slippery slope of gathering momentum of success, and it scares the hell out of me. i don’t quite know what to do with myself. it is everything i have worked so hard for over the past ten years, and absolutely so unexpected, i don’t know how to handle it. being the centre of attention may be fun at parties, but it is a whole another story when it is real live legitimate publicity. i know it isn’t out of nowhere. i have been cultivating this image of my business that suited the facade of my ego, but that ego is leaving me as i fight to pull her out sinew by sinew with every last drop of bile that gets purged into the toilet in the middle of the night. i still make the same sort of things, live in the same house, work in the same studio, talk to the same people, but everything is different, raw, unfamiliar and slightly disconcerting. i am turning into the person i am in my dreams, but the waking world isn’t quite as accommodating. and my tolerance for disingenuous interactions is no longer waning, it is gone. this should be really interesting.
above is a photo of my first ever pair of panties. i have been thinking about it for long enough. i haven’t tried them on yet, but this begins the long design process of a possible new line; provided that i can find time for development in between accessories orders (thank goddess for etsy!) i am NOT going to call them crisis panties, btw. look for more lingerie and more accessories in the near future.